Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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