Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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