a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
