we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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