It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
