if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
