I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize