Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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