I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
