you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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