I'm going to jail i love you
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
