fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
