New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
