Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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