He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
