You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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