mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
