Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
