I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
