Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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