Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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