I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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