sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
