so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
