You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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