You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
