Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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