I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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