I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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