If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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