it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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