Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize