i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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