Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
