So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
