his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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