Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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