Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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