Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
