he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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