I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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