Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
