Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
