Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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