I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize