I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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