Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
