I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize