moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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