i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
