On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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