so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
