Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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