dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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