having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
