I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
