Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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