You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
