im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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