I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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