i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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