his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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