i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize